SchenkelTown

Involuntary Employment

2012-01-16T20:01:00.002-05:00

I've noticed that an increasing number of stores now have "Self Checkout" registers. I always thought that part of the reason people go to stores is to have other people help with the little things. It's nice to know that when I need to buy a can of clam chowder at 2:00 in the morning, part of the shopping experience will include actually working at the store. To be fair, I do enjoy waiting for 20 minutes as the elderly person in front of me is forced to use technology for the first time since the Eisenhower administration.

If I have to scan and bag my own groceries, it seems only fair that I be granted access to the break room. If it's possible, I'd also like a name tag. If I'm gonna be working in your store, we might as well be on a first name basis.

The Future of Metal

2011-10-02T18:22:00.009-04:00

I've been an avid fan of heavy metal for a long time now. Every few years the pendulum swings and new trends arise. That got me thinking, what's next? Here are some possibilities...

The phantom band - Anyone that's ever been to a concert knows the best part is between bands when the changeover occurs. Imagine how great it would be to go to a show that consists of two hours of just mic checks, guitar tunings, and "Enter Sandman" playing over the venue P.A. the entire time! No band, no band performance. Just crew. The hipsters would probably get into it.

Just screaming - Who needs music? It's so overrated. Imagine a one man band that consists of just a guy screaming. Actual lyrics, optional.

Only breakdowns - Chugga-chugga guitars with a slowed down drum beat, for a whole album. Nothing else. No vocals, no chorus, no solos. Breakdowns followed by breakdowns.

Intro mania - Who doesn't love it when a song starts with an obscure movie quote? I know I do, so let's cut out the middle man. I'd like a band that releases albums of just weird movie monologues.

Gang vocals to the max - A lot of tough guy hardcore bands out there feature songs that include passages sung by multiple dudes at the same time. "Hey! "Hey!" is a popular lyric of choice. Why not just keep your bros' around for a whole album? When it comes to vocals, the more the merrier!

Everyone together now - Enough of this one band at a time thing. I want to go to shows where all the bands share the stage at the same time. I don't mean they all play one song together, I mean they all play their own songs, but at the same time. There would be no such thing as opening bands and support bands. Everyone would be the same. Heavy metal communism!

Canned Folder

2011-09-26T18:59:00.004-04:00

I wonder if the people that work for the Spam company have Spam folders in their email accounts. It seems like all of their folders would be Spam folders. Actually, I wonder if they have any folders email that aren't Spam folders. Do those people get offended that people consider emails that they don't want to be Spam? I've never had Spam before. Maybe I should change the name of my Spam folder to Olive mail. Olives are gross.

I Duh Know

2011-08-26T13:47:00.005-04:00

The expressions "duh" and "no duh" both mean the same thing. That seems kind of confusing. It would be like ordering a sandwich with no tomatoes, with the intention of getting tomatoes added to your sandwich. On another note, I think I just became the first person to say "duh" and "no duh" since 1994.

Future Dimension

2011-08-20T14:38:00.005-04:00

I never understood why that one guy in Back to the Future was always wearing 3D glasses. Did he have some sort of impaired vision that only allowed him to see the world in one or two dimensions? I'd love to see a prequel focused around that guy, and what it was like living in 1955 without being able to see the world as it was meant to be seen. Well, I guess "love" is an overstatement.

Dill Seed

2011-08-17T19:47:00.001-04:00

I like both dill pickles and sunflower seeds, but this seems like a strange combination. If I ever see sunflower seed flavored pickles, there's really gonna be a problem.

Salad Up

2011-08-14T16:26:00.003-04:00

Here's a picture of a random bottle of salad dressing that's in my apartment's elevator. I suppose the only way that it wouldn't be "random" would be if there was some kind of salad bar in the elevator. That would actually be pretty awesome.

HumbleUmbrella

2011-08-06T20:36:00.004-04:00

I feel dumber walking around outside with an umbrella when it's not raining than I do when I'm walking outside without an umbrella when it is raining.

Oh, and try saying that sentence ten times fast....or once for that matter.

Ceiling Logic

2011-07-24T18:13:00.003-04:00

A country's debt ceiling should be based on the average height of its citizens.

Not Meese

2011-07-22T23:00:00.013-04:00

People often say, "If the plural of goose is geese, than the plural of moose should be meese." OK, maybe people don't exactly "often" say that, but during conversations about grammar and the English language, I'm sure it comes up frequently.

The reason the plural of moose is still moose is because no one really cares. When was the last time you saw a moose walk by, let alone more than one moose? There's no point in creating a new word if it would never be used. I'm pretty sure the reason Bullwinkle's sidekick wasn't another moose was because that would just make the plot of the show beyond belief. One talking moose? Yes, that is fine by me. Two talking moose? That would just be ridiculous

Friend Zone

2011-07-13T23:57:00.004-04:00

Keep an eye out for my prequel to the movie Friends With Benefits. My movie is called Friend Zone. It's a 90 minute long film that features me on the phone with my female friends, listening to them complain about their boyfriends. I don't want to give away too much, but there's even a scene where I roll my eyes, and mouth the words "I don't care."

Over the Cushion Medicine

2011-07-13T19:29:00.003-04:00

Technically speaking, a cushion on top of a barstool could be considered a stool softener. I wouldn't recommend trying to swallow one with a glass of water to relieve stomach "issues", but I've been wrong in the past.

Regular readers (or reader) of this website may recall a similar post in which I questioned what happens when someone asks for a stool sample in a furniture store. What can I say, I guess I have an affinity for barstool humor. It's a niche market, but I'm trying to capitalize on it.

Whoball

2011-07-12T22:01:00.007-04:00

I watched the baseball all-star game last night, also known as the "mid-summer classic". Judging by the lineups on both teams, this year's game was more like a Claussen pickle, than a classic baseball game. It was like a who's who of who?

Venture a Guess

2011-06-28T15:34:00.003-04:00

According to my fortune cookie, I should buy multiple boats... or something like that.

I Glove You

2011-06-20T16:51:00.004-04:00

The fact that there's an entire compartment in cars dedicated to gloves, is a bit excessive. When there's a snow day, or a day when the weather is a bit chilly, just throw your gloves in the backseat. A leftover Chinese food compartment, now there's an idea!

In-climate Post

2011-06-14T18:44:00.003-04:00

I've been hearing a lot of politicians talking about how they are against the TARP program, but I'm not sure why. Tarps allow playing fields to stay dry during rain delays, which puts off having to postpone games. It seems like a good idea to me.

Flarefoot

2011-05-26T16:30:00.004-04:00

In true Schenkeltown fashion, I managed to injure my foot a few weeks ago, without actually injuring it. I woke up one morning with shooting pain going through my ankle and into my foot. If memory serves correctly, my foot hadn't been run over by a minivan, but who knows, I've been wrong in the past. I assumed that I had just slept on it funny, although the pain I was feeling was anything but humorous. I got out of bed thinking I'd be able to "walk it off", amotto I learned from years of skateboarding injuries and little league bumps and bruises.

As I got out of bed to walk it off, I nearly fell to the ground like a drunken pirate that took one too many swigs of moonshine. A few days later, as my foot began to balloon up to resemble one of Shrek's feet, I managed to land a pair of crutches to hobble around on. I suppose a peg leg and a parrot on my shoulder really would have completed the pirate theme. I went to two doctors and they both diagnosed me as having a weird thing in my foot. That's not necessarily the diagnosis I was given, but I barely passed earth science, let alone med school.

I'm almost completely healed now, except for the occasional "It feels like a hammer just hit my foot" feeling. The most important thing I learned during the week that I spent out of commission was that I'm really good at hopping on one foot, while eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner.

Maybe Definitely

2011-05-05T17:49:00.003-04:00

I still can't correctly spell the word "definitely." Hey, I did it!

Jellymean

2011-05-01T16:46:00.003-04:00

Jellybeans are delicious when you eat them one by one. Eating a handful of them at the same time however, is disgusting. I just found that out the hard way.

Beeware

2011-04-22T14:36:00.001-04:00

It turns out that I'm way more afraid of bees than they are of me.

Whiff

2011-04-06T13:57:00.005-04:00

In an impressive feat of athletic wizardry, my fantasy baseball team went 0 for 33 last night with a combined batting average of .000. Way to go fellas!

For a full breakdown of the breakdown, check out the screenshot that I included.

Korean Tiger Blood

2011-03-29T15:50:00.005-04:00

In the event that Charlie Sheen's television comeback doesn't go as planned, maybe he has a future as leader of North Korea.

Tree Humor

2011-03-18T19:28:00.006-04:00

Whenever I need a good laugh, I think about the time that I saw a woman walk directly into a tree. It was one of the most awkward things that I've ever witnessed, and that's coming from a guy whose life is a 24 hour a day marathon of awkward moments.

It was the middle of autumn, and the trees had no leaves left. The woman was going in the opposite direction of me on the sidewalk. We made eye contact, and seconds later she veered off course and walked right into the branches of the tree, snapping them off completely. She got completely tangled in a mess of wood and tree branches. I'm assuming she was just completely thrown off by my ridiculously good looks because she got totally annihilated by a free standing object. I did what any good citizen would do, I laughed hysterically, and kept walking.

To this day, I feel bad for her. The tree that is.

Undecided Songs

2011-03-18T16:58:00.002-04:00

I don't like when song titles have (words in parenthesis). It's like the musicians are saying, "I couldn't quite decide what to call this song (so here are two names)"

Food Bracket

2011-03-13T17:18:00.005-04:00

Selection Sunday is not only the nickname given to the day on which we find out what college basketball teams will make the NCAA tournamount. It's also how I feel as I look at the Chinese food take-out menu in my apartment. Right now, sesame chicken is a #1 seed... no pun intended.

A Mighty Sword

2011-03-10T21:32:00.004-05:00

"The pen is mightier than the sword." No, actually it's not. What a dumb saying. If I'm ever in a fight with you, feel free to take the pen as a weapon. I'll go with the sword. Game over.

Super Something

2011-03-01T15:31:00.003-05:00

You may remember a previous post in which I discussed the how my favorite sweatshirt always smells like potatoes. Just recently, my nose brought to my attention the fact that a portion of my bed seems to smell like chicken noodle soup. Kind of strange considering I haven't had chicken noodle soup since around the time Clinton was president.

My bed and sweatshirt have a pretty good meal going. I'm hoping that by spring a pair of my shorts will start to smell like an entree. Maybe a nice piece of roasted chicken, or some grilled shrimp would be nice. As the leaves begin to change color, I'd like to finish off by maybe having my shoes smell like a chocolate sundae.

All this talk of food is making me feel like I should eat something...or do some laundry

Day...Day

2011-02-21T16:21:00.003-05:00

Daniel Day Lewis should have been given the first name "Presidents" just so his full name would be Presidents Day Lewis.

I'm aware that this terrible attempt at humor could be made with any holiday whose name ends in "day", (Valentines, Groundhog) but it's cold outside, I'm bored, and it's Presidents Day. See, I'm up on things.

Toe The Humanity

2011-02-17T14:33:00.002-05:00

I hurt one of my toes the other day by dropping a bottle of Aleve on my foot. The irony of the situation was totally worth the pain.

Sneezeavision

2011-02-10T18:46:00.002-05:00

I'd like to see more people sneeze on live TV. If somebody could make that happen, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

Shhh Thank You

2011-02-08T15:45:00.003-05:00

To follow up a previous post about cell phones on trains, I've become aware that many trains now have quiet sections in which cell phone use and talking loudly are prohibited. While I do think this is a great idea, I don't like that I'm the one forced to find these zones of all things quiet. The loud people should be the ones forced into designated areas

It would be pretty funny to see a train car entirely full of loud people on cell phones, all of whom would be ironically annoyed that the person next to them was talking on a phone.

Dummy Puddle

2011-02-02T23:40:00.004-05:00

I was walking on the sidewalk yesterday, when I got to a cross street. I jumped over what I thought was a puddle, but there was no puddle. I was basically just a guy taking a random giant jump forward. The woman behind me started laughing. So, yep, it looks like I'm that guy now.

Phone Training

2011-01-31T15:47:00.004-05:00

Seemingly every time I take a train, I'm either next to, or in arms length of someone talking on a cell phone. Not only am I always next to someone on the phone, but I seem to have a knack for sitting next to people that are apparently trying to break some sort of sonic sound barrier. The guy I was sitting next to the other day was so loud that I'm convinced the unlucky individual he was talking to, could have probably heard him without the phone.

Perhaps the worst part of listening to loud people on cell phones isn't the volume in which they are speaking, but more that they seem to always be talking about mind-numbingly boring topics. Just once I'd like to overhear someone talking about the time they were attacked by a bald eagle, or that day they were sitting in between Hulk Hogan and Mr. T on an airplane.

As a side note, and a glimpse into the inner workings of SchenkelTown, I feel the need to point out that I scribbled most of this blog entry on the back of my train receipt. So yeah, I go about writing these dumb posts in a very professional manner.

Re-fused

2011-01-28T16:01:00.003-05:00

The words "reefer" and "referee" are way too close to the word "referred. If you're writing an email that includes any of those words, make sure you double check that you chose the intended one, or you could really confuse someone.

Buttered Up

2011-01-27T20:56:00.006-05:00

I gave in and bought some chunky peanut butter. Is this a new era in SchenkelTown? I suppose only late night cravings will be the judge of that. Next thing you know, I'll be drinking whole milk while I take my shoes off without untying the laces.

Scented

2011-01-23T11:54:00.002-05:00

My favorite sweatshirt always smells like potatoes. Other than that, things are going pretty well.

Not Cool

2011-01-16T15:18:00.005-05:00

I'd like to give a shout out to the people sitting at the table next to me last night, who thought it was appropriate to bring a cooler of beer to a nice Italian restaurant. Classy.

Dopplerwronger

2011-01-13T14:57:00.001-05:00

I don't trust the doppler radar. Not one bit.

Restarted

2011-01-12T14:56:00.004-05:00

I've noticed that when people begin stories with "Don't even get me started." rarely, do people actually get them started. More often than not, it's usually an intro to a bunch of crap that no one cares about, much like this blog.

Polli Lops

2010-12-29T16:12:00.005-05:00

I've noticed that banks everywhere all seem to give out the same terrible lollipops. I'm not complaining about getting a free piece of candy every time I enter these fine establishments, but it's interesting that banks nationwide all serve the same crappy treats. I imagine there's a factory somewhere, whose only purpose is to produce "bank lollipops."

On another bank related note, I really enjoy the sound ATM machines make when checks are deposited. It always feels like I'm winning something.

Pet Peeve #5638 Under Paper

2010-12-26T17:44:00.009-05:00

It takes a lot to get me mad when I'm in the bathroom. After all, the lavatory, as many call it, is a place of relief. A place where you can let things go and take care of business, your way. Leave it to me to find something negative in such a wonderful, sometimes magical place.

Applying a new roll of toilet paper seems like something that could only be done one way, but some feel the need to go against the grain and mess with the system, system that was set in stone millions of years ago when people were likely still using stone instead of paper. This is unacceptable. There is only one way of applying toilet paper in SchenkelTown - over the roll. When pulling off the desired amount of squares, the user should and must pull the paper from the top of the toilet paper roll.

Some think it's alright to apply a new roll of paper in a manner in which the applicant must pull the paper from under the roll. Unacceptable! The paper is headed to a most sacred of areas and must be inspected as it begins to come off the roll. It's simply impossible to thoroughly examine the paper if the roll is obstructing the view of the user.

By now you're probably wondering why I would write at great length about such a stupid topic. It just annoys the crap out of me.

No pun intended.

Draggin Dragon

2010-12-22T13:29:00.004-05:00

I've really been draggin' ass the past few days. This shouldn't be confused with dragon ass, which is what happens when foreigners drink the water in some countries.

SchenkelTunes 2010

2010-12-20T14:07:00.023-05:00

It's not all negativity here at SchenkelTown. Here's a list of my favorite albums of 2010. So do yourself a favor and make yourself a little SchenkelTown playlist. In no particular order...

Deftones - Diamond Eyes

The Acacia Strain - Wormwood

Dimmu Borgir - Abrahadabra

Eminem - Recovery

Kingdom Of Sorrow - Behind The Blackest Tears

Soilwork - The Panic Broadcast

Parkway Drive - Deep Blue

Soulfly - Omen

Dark Tranquillity - We Are The Void

Bleeding Through - Bleeding Through

Not Needless To Post

2010-12-18T23:17:00.004-05:00

I often hear people starting sentences with "Needless to say". The first thing that pops into my head when I hear this is, "Wow, someone is actually talking to me." The second thing that comes to mind is, "If this is needless to say, than why are you still telling me?"

To anyone actually reading this - I'm sorry. I bet you already wish you had that time back, but second, please only tell me things that need to be said. I'm trying to write more of these awful posts, and can't be bothered with the needless.

Worm Time

2010-12-07T11:13:00.004-05:00

It's true that the early bird gets the worm, but then you're stuck with a worm. I'd rather be there on time and not have to worry about carrying a worm around all day.

Not Stoked

2010-12-05T20:23:00.003-05:00

No matter how hard I try, I can't say the word "stoked" without sounding totally awkward. To be fair, I can't say much of anything without sounding totally awkward. "Stoked" just sounds like a word that should be reserved for warm climates and people that enjoy shopping for sunglasses.

Noperah

2010-11-29T14:22:00.010-05:00

I'm predicting that Oprah Winfrey will be on the cover of the next issue of O Magazine. In the event that you are reading this post several months after it was initially published, this prediction is still valid, and should be applied to all future issues.

If Oprah Winfrey is reading this -

Hey Oprah, what's up? Thanks for stopping by. I would like to thank you for the several minutes of informative and interesting television that you have provided me over the years. Your program has been a nice change of pace from the entertaining and fun TV that I'm used to watching.

Turkey Nay

2010-11-25T11:20:00.003-05:00

What better way to celebrate Thanksgiving, than to tell everybody about something that I'm not thankful for. If possible, I would like for everyone to stop calling Thanksgiving "Turkey Day". Holidays don't need nicknames.

Guilty

2010-11-12T10:23:00.001-05:00

When someone uses the bathroom in a court of law, is that considered jury doodie?

Library Language

2010-11-10T22:22:00.005-05:00

If asking "where is the library?" was the only phrase that existed in the Spanish langauge, I would totally be fluent in the Spanish language.

Make up your Mc-Mind

2010-11-05T13:42:00.003-04:00

It's on the menu, it's off the menu. They have it, they don't have it. I can't take the uncertainty!

Break For Wind

2010-10-23T15:51:00.004-04:00

I've been wearing the same awful blue windbreaker on chilly days for about ten years. It really serves no purpose. Not only does it not break wind in the literal sense, but it doesn't "break wind" in the unfortunate sense either. It seems like false advertising. I think it might be time to invest in a new jacket, or maybe I should just start dressing in layers.

Smell He

2010-10-03T19:38:00.003-04:00

I would like to personally thank the smelly guy that was sitting in front of me on the train today. Your awfulness was truly remarkable and made for a mind-numbingly unpleasant ride. If a shower isn't in your future, I at least hope some sort of caution tape will be placed around you.

Clubless

2010-09-16T18:49:00.006-04:00

I was standing at a street corner the other day, when I noticed something that really got on my nerves. It was a guy practicing his golf swing, but he wasn't actually holding a golf club. He was miming the swing with nothing actually in his hands. Apparently he felt it was appropriate to play charades until it was safe to cross the street. For whatever reason, I got really angry. He just looked like a total jerk. I feel like I would immediately dislike anyone who practices sports in public with absolutely no sporting equipment. To be fair, I'm not exactly a golf fanatic in the first place, but golf without golf equipment is where I draw the line. Take that and hit it down your fairway.

Eventual Name Change

2010-08-10T19:48:00.006-04:00

I'd like to know at what point an ugly, deformed grape becomes a raisin. I'd also like to know how anyone can possibly like oatmeal raisin cookies more than chocolate chip cookies. Actually, it's not possible. Sorry.

Pet Peeve #4567 Next In Line

2010-08-04T19:41:00.001-04:00

I’d like to know why every time I’m in a store, the person in front of me in line seems to have a problem when they get to the register. There needs to be some sort of international rule stating that when it’s your turn, you pay for what you are buying, and then you leave. Having a ten-minute debate on whether or not your 89 cent coupon for a half dozen eggs is still valid, is unacceptable, especially when there are three people in line behind you.

Rayless

2010-07-19T17:48:00.003-04:00

I noticed that the Tampa Bay Rays don't have anyone on the team named Ray. It seems like false advertising. I think there should be a rule that if team uses a name commonly used for people, then that team should be forced to have at least one person of that name on the team at all times. I also think the team should have "Ray Night" in which guys named Ray get a free ticket, or a discount on one of those giant foam fingers.

Pet Peeve #535 Sunday Holidays

2010-06-21T16:26:00.005-04:00

I have no problem with Mothers Day and Fathers day. What I do have a problem with, is the fact that they are both on Sundays. They are made up holidays. Made up, I said! The days they fall on are completely arbitrary. They could easily have been put on Saturdays, and it is not too late to change that. There is no mail on Sundays. None! Putting holidays on Sundays makes it impossible to send a card or gift, and have it arrive on the actual day. To the holiday organizers that are reading this, please consider bumping these things up a day.

Tied Eyes

2010-06-19T16:07:00.003-04:00

Like a lot of Americans, I’m pretending that I care about the world cup. I watched the first two games that the U.S. team played, both of which ended in a tie. I would like to offer my own not really professional opinion for a brief moment.

If a team ties twice in a row, it should be called a “knot”

Morer Less

2010-05-13T20:04:00.003-04:00

The neon sign that is out front of a store near my apartment is a little misleading. Technically a car dealership with a soda machine in the back, could put this sign up.

TomatNOes

2010-04-29T19:17:00.004-04:00

I don't care what you say, tomatoes are not a fruit. Sorry.

Pet Peeve #452245 The E's

2010-04-04T16:22:00.002-04:00

It really creeps me out when I hear people above the age of ten, referring to their parents as “Mommy” and “Daddy” Sorry, but it’s just weird. The words “Mom” and “Dad” are already parental nicknames, and nobody’s nickname needs a nickname. That’s just confusing.

Funs Eyes

2010-03-29T17:47:00.003-04:00

It seems strange to me that really small pieces of candy are considered "fun size" I think the jumbo candy bars are a lot more fun. I know that when I was still in my trick-or-treating years, there was a definite correlation between the size of candy I was receiving, and the amount of fun I was having. The names of small pieces of candy should be changed from "Fun Size" to "Slightly Less Guilt If You Eat This Size", but I guess that doesn't exactly roll off the tongue.

This Totally Socks

2010-02-22T20:54:00.005-05:00

I've noticed that every time I do laundry, I seem to have fewer socks than before. I am a busy guy and simply can't afford to buy new socks after every laundry cycle. I ask that the person or people responsible for stealing all of my socks kindly return them to me. Thank you.

Pet Peeve #3524: Gum Commercials

2010-02-15T15:57:00.010-05:00

There are entirely too many commercial and advertisements out there for chewing gum. I feel like I can't turn on the television without seeing some suave guy telling me that the gum he is chewing is better and has longer lasting flavor than the next guys'. I'm fairly certain that every pack of gum I have ever purchased was decided upon its proximity to the store's cash register, not because I thought purchasing the gum would give me the ability to exhale a wintery mix of snow and ice, like the guy on TV. It's hard to believe that millions, if not billions of dollars go into advertising such a seemingly innocuous item.

Limited Registers

2010-02-09T20:02:00.003-05:00

In preparation for the predicted snowstorm, I like many decided to stock up on groceries, in the event that I can't leave my apartment for a day or two. Not surprisingly, the grocery store that I usually go to was extremely crowded with people that had the same as me. After filling my basket with the essentials (bagels, tortilla chips, pasta) I headed to the checkout section of the store. To my dismay only a few of the registers were open. I don't understand why a crowded store wouldn't open all available registers. Isn't the whole point of having more than one register to speed up the checkout process, in the event that the store gets crowded. This particular store rarely has more than ten or twelve people in it at a time, and in this rare instance still couldn't manage to handle a large group of customers. They had the manpower and the technology, but chose not to take full advantage of them. Just another day in SchenkelTown.

Future in Jeopardy

2010-02-08T21:48:00.003-05:00

I was watching Jeopardy, and noticed the changed the theme song. The melody and tempos of the actual song are essentially the same, but they updated it with some effects and added what appears to be a drum track. I for one am shocked that this wasn't a bigger news story. Jeopardy is the foundation for the entire universe. How was this change of a classic theme song not on the font page of every newspaper in the country? I grew up watching Jeopardy, and continue watching to this day. Some sort of warning would have been nice, before changing the soundtrack… to the world.

Breakfast Treat

2010-01-24T00:18:00.004-05:00

There is a local bagel place near where I live that I frequently go to. The majority of my visits take place sometime afternoon when my eating schedule is off. The strange thing is that they only serve eggs until 1:00, as if to say that they don't serve breakfast all day. I don't understand how a store that is dedicated to serving a common breakfast food can decide that they don't want to serve breakfast past a certain point. That would be like a pizza place only serving pizza with no cheese after the sun goes down. I guess my egg and cheese sandwich will have to just be grilled cheese on a bagel...or I could just wake up earlier.

Times New Roman

2010-01-07T17:44:00.003-05:00

Here's the receipt from a breakfast I recently had. I'm pretty sure the second one was mine.

Han Valen

2009-12-26T14:54:00.003-05:00

There's a new Van Halen edition of Guitar Hero. I heard that every time someone plays the game, Van Halen fires their singer.

Kid On The Rocks

2009-12-23T17:26:00.003-05:00

I just saw a commercial that features Kid Rock telling people that if they drink on the holidays, they should do so responsibly. While I do agree with the sentiment, I don't feel the need to explain why it's funny.

Top 10 Albums Of 2009

2009-12-21T21:10:00.008-05:00

Here is a list of my 10 favorite albums of 2009 as well as a couple of songs I recommend checking out from each album.

1. Mastodon - Crack The Skye

Recommended Songs- "The Last Baron" and "Oblivion"

2. God Forbid - Earthsblood

Recommended Songs - "Walk Alone" and "War Of Attrition"

3. Chimaira - The Infection

Recommended Songs - "The Venom Inside" and "Secrets Of The Dead"

4. Slayer - World Painted Blood

Recommended Songs - "World Painted Blood" and "Playing With Dolls"

5. Lamb of God - Wrath

Recommended Songs - "Dead Seeds" and "Reclamation"

6. CKY - Carver City

Favorite Songs- "Hellions On Parade" and "Imaginary Threats"

7. Shadows Fall - Retribution

Favorite Songs - "Still I Rise and "King Of Nothing"

8. Eminem - Relapse

Recommended Songs - "Underground" and "Beautiful"

9. Devildriver - Pray For Villains

Recommended Songs - "Back With A Vengeance" and "Pure Sincerity"

10. The Red Chord - Fed Through The Teeth Machine

Recommended - "Demoralizer" and "Embarrassment Legacy"

Nice Choice

2009-12-07T19:56:00.003-05:00

Here's a picture I took from the menu of a local restaurant near me. I would "choice" the chicken or shrimp.

Owe No

2009-12-05T16:15:00.004-05:00

I don't like it when people use the phrase "you owe it to yourself". How can you owe yourself something, and how does another person know when you do? You can't lend yourself money, the same way you can't owe yourself money. There's a reason why there is only an "I owe you", and not an "I owe I". It sounds dumb, doesn't it? Yes it does. I think the only people that can actually owe themselves something are people with split personalities. It's like there are two people, so it's understandable if one personality can owe the other a favor. If and when the unlikely and seemingly impossible event in which I actually manage to owe myself something, I'm guessing that I won't need another person to tell me so.

Laugh Track

2009-12-01T15:37:00.005-05:00

Did you ever notice that on the old Flintstones cartoons there is always the sound of a studio audience laughing whenever a "joke" is told? Joke being used with quotations, because honestly, that show was never that funny. I would have loved to have been in the meeting when that decision was made. More importantly, I would have loved to have been there for a taping of an episode. I sat in the audience for a taping of King of Queens, but I have a feeling the Flintstones would be a totally different experience, what with dinosaurs and all. It's amazing to me that cartoon characters never seem to age.

Out of Order

2009-11-12T16:25:00.002-05:00

I’ve lived in four states, met a lot of people, and experienced a lot of things. Throughout the years, there has been one thing that has never changed. Wherever I go, the copy machines don’t work. Without fail, if I am in an office setting or a place of business, the copy machine is either on the fritz or out of order. We’ve developed phones that can do nearly everything, and managed to incorporate cheese into nearly every recipe known to man, yet nobody can seem to create a copy machine that properly works for more than two weeks at a time. It would be one thing if I were the person causing all of the problems. That wouldn’t surprise me, as technology and I seem to often butt heads, the machines seem to already be broken before I even get to them.

Before we create MP3 players that are the size of a grain of rice, let’s take a day or two to figure out the copy machine problem.

Play For Screens

2009-07-30T14:21:00.005-04:00

I’m not the funniest guy in the world, but I’ve always been able to make people laugh pretty easily. I’ve had a several people tell me over the years “you should be a stand-up comedian.” It never really appealed to me, because I’ve never thought of myself as a performer, but more of a commentator or observer. Self-deprecation has been a cornerstone of my humor, as I often seem to be the cause of my own demise. I’ve always enjoyed writing, so it’s only natural that some day I would start writing down some my inner thoughts and turn them into some sort of artistic creation

When I was in college I took several writing courses and eventually began writing a comedic screenplay as a final project during my senior year. I did extremely well on the project and always wanted to continue with it. I think the primary motivation for wanting to finish the screenplay isn’t because of boredom or the need to complete what I’ve started. I feel like it’s something I have to do. I have a few “classic" stories that a lot of people have heard, but also a lot of things have occurred in my life that no one has heard, and I want to be able to tell them in my own way. Not directly, but through characters.

I decided to pick up this script and start writing it again. When I made the decision, ideas and vivid memories of my past started flowing almost uncontrollably. One of my biggest motivations is seeing the awful movies that seem to be released weekly. It’s not that I want to write a lame movie because it would be an easy payday, in the event I could get it into theaters. I decided to, for lack of better words “put my money where my mouth is, and show not only the world, but more importantly myself, that I can do this. Quite frankly, I know I can write a good movie that a lot of people would like, or at least something I would want to see.

The million dollar question, what’s the screenplay about? Without giving the plot away, it’s a fast paced comedy, extremely sarcastic, with a heavy metal edge.

Celebrity Subway

2009-05-28T20:50:00.004-04:00

It's been roughly two years since I moved to New York, and I am now moving to a new apartment. I estimate that about 98% of that time has been spent either waiting for the subway or riding it. I knew when I first became a regular rider of the rails, I would see some, shall we say, interesting things while shooting through the New York underground. Since accepting that fate, I've seen fist fights, a man smoking in a crowded subway car, a crazy lady pretending to talk on a cell phone that clearly wasn't on, and a homeless fellow, who by the smell of it, "dropped off the kids" at some point during his ride.

Unfortunately the slightest movement while reading, makes me feel quite sick, so I'm unable to catch up on the news or indulge in a bad science fiction book. With my i-pod usually on shuffle, there's a game I always seem to end up playing in my mind. It's the "Which celebrity does that person look like" game. While it's possible that I may have seen actual celebrities on the subway it's very unlikely that John Malkovich is my neighbor and is often sitting near me. I'm also guessing that Morgan Freeman doesn't frequent the F-train late at night, and I'm almost positive that Q-Tip from hip-hop group A Tribe Called Quest isn't the person informing riders of what the next stop will be. I could be wrong though

Thinking back, the origin of my little celebrity game started one night at Lambert airport in St. Louis, several years ago. My dad and I were picking up my mom, and her flight was delayed for a long time. As total boredom would have it, we started yelling out celebrity names in the direction of anyone that bared the slightest resemblance to a celebrity. The more obscure the celebrity, the harder we laughed. It was unclear if the looks of disarray and confusion from people were the result our yelling names at them, or if it was just standard airport incident procedure.

As I move to a new area and begin taking a new subway line, I will continue to play my little game, and undoubtedly find more people that look like celebrities. Here's to the subways that never sleep and the people that ride them.

Wheeling?

2009-05-04T18:36:00.005-04:00

I used the phrase "wheeling and dealing" today, but I quickly had to catch myself. I'm not really sure if I was wheeling, because I really have no idea what that means. I'm sure I could look up the origin of the term, but I probably shouldn't use a phrase when I'm not quite sure I even know what it means. Is it possible to just wheel without the deal, or do they always have to be together? I suppose if I just said "I'm dealing today" that might come off as doing something illegal. Maybe the whole point of "wheeling" is to signify that it's not some sort of trafficking business that is being referenced. Next year, I think my new years resolution will be to learn how to just wheel.

Stool Sample

2009-04-27T16:33:00.003-04:00

I am thinking about going to a local furniture store to ask for a stool sample. I have no interest in purchasing anything of the sort, but I'm curious as to what will be handed to me. Will I need rubber gloves, or is it something I can sit comfortably in? It's a crapshoot. Pun intended!

Old Core

2009-04-10T00:50:00.005-04:00

I was looking back at my old blog and decided I'd post a few of the fan favorites here. By fan favorites, I mean ones I liked writing. This first one was written three years ago to the day. That's just a coincidence! I made a few edits for purposes of content.

April 10th 2006

As an avid rock fan, there is something that's been bugging me a lot lately. It seems like every band has about ten labels put on them and their style of music. Every style of music has a scene. Yeah, even the "underground" stuff you like has a scene! Whether it's metalcore, mallcore, rap/metal, emocore etc. it's ridiculous. Every band in every genre of rock and roll has been influenced by music from the past. Suddenly it has become a negative thing to like music that fuses two genres of music. People say that I listen to a lot of "metalcore" because I'm a big fan of bands like Bleeding Through and As I Lay Dying. That doesn't bother me, what bothers me is that they say it like it's a negative thing. I love metal and I love hardcore, so why wouldn't I like metalcore? Oh, and mallcore? What is that? I shop at malls, as do most people, but where I buy clothes doesn't influence what kind of music I like. It's funny to me when I hear people talking negatively about bands that have mixed different styles of music into their own. Jeff Hanneman of Slayer, has a Dead Kennedys sticker on one of the guitars that he still tours with to this day. If that's not a sign that Slayer, considered by many to be the most metal of them all, were influenced by punk rock, then I don't know what is.

Music is like food. You either like something or you don't, and a person can't be convinced to like a particular genre of music. Whatever you listen to, there will be a million people out there that will tell you it sucks. Listen to the music you connect with.

Loo$e Change

2009-04-09T16:48:00.002-04:00

Is there an opposite to loose change? What is loose change actually loose from? Isn't it all loose? It seems like we should focus on "stuck together change" or "fused change". Everything else doesn't really deserve any special attention. All this talk of change makes me want to buy something from a vending machine, something that is not trail mix. No one needs that.

The Price is Write

2009-04-07T18:13:00.003-04:00

I watched The Price Is Right today for the first time in a while. There was a beautiful woman that was one of the contestants, and I noticed that I was rooting against her. I think I was rooting against her because I assumed that her life was already good enough. Attractive people obviously have their own problems, but they will never have to worry about their looks and that's something that everyone else in the world struggles with. There's just something more exciting about seeing an average looking Joe or Joanne win a bunch of prizes. On another note, they gave away a golf cart as a prize on today's episode. It was tricked out and even had fancy rims. That made me laugh out loud. Hey, Price Is Right, loosen the purse strings a little bit.

Breakfast Any Time

2009-03-26T19:20:00.003-04:00

I really like breakfast foods at anytime during the day. Sometimes I'll enjoy a ham, egg, and cheese sandwich for dinner and it's delightful, but it doesn't work in reverse. I never want dinner for breakfast. When I lived in the dorms in college they used to serve some weird things for breakfast. I remember one night when they had pizza flavored Hot Pockets for dinner and then the next morning they served the leftovers and called it "Breakfast Pizza" it was both funny, and ridiculous. I remember asking the cafeteria employee if they thought they were fooling anybody. She just looked at me with a glare and then walked away. I suppose I would have done the same thing. I'm pretty sure I've never woken up first thing in the morning with a craving for linguini with clam sauce, the same way I have craved pancakes for a late dinner. Who am I kidding, I never wake up first thing in the morning anyways.

Pet Peeve #0286 Glitter

2009-03-21T16:01:00.000-04:00

When I was a young boy, about seven or eight years old, I got some glitter on me. I'm not even sure how. Perhaps it happened at an over decorated birthday party, or maybe I am forgetting about an instance in which I bumped into a magical unicorn, but since then I have been brushing glitter off. No matter what I do, it seems that there is always glitter somewhere on me. I have no idea where it's coming from, or how I continue to find glitter particles, but I do. Maybe I'm just so awesome that my body produces it naturally. Even if that's the case, it's really annoying and I would like it to stop. I would write a letter or file a complaint with the local authorities, but I'm not even sure who to contact. When the next presidential election comes around, I will be paying close attention to which candidate addressees glitter awareness.

Jackie Chan Theory

2009-03-04T19:16:00.001-05:00

I watch Jeopardy on a fairly regular basis. Whenever I don't know the answer, or for Jeopardy's sake, the question, I give the same response. Jackie Chan! I figure that if I say that long enough for an extended period of time, at some point it's bound to be right. It's a lot like the 12 theory in blackjack. 12 is the number that you have to decide whether you're going to hit or stick when the dealer has a number above 10. It becomes tricky, but if the player decides that he or she will always do one of the other, they are bound to be right eventually. Obviously I'm aware that there is no guarantee that Jackie Chan will ever be referenced on the show, but anyone who can make not one or two, but three successful Rush Hour movies, is bound to be immortalized in the form of the question, or an answer.

Drive By Rapping

2009-02-27T18:43:00.000-05:00

I was sitting outside Connecticut Muffin today, drinking a bottle of water, trying to take advantage of the unseasonably warm weather. An obnoxiously large SUV drove by blasting music. To my surprise the driver was an old bald white guy, maybe 60. He was bobbing his head and rapping along to what sounded like Jay-Z. I suppose it was only a matter of time before older audiences listened to hip-hop. Considering the genre is over 25 years old, the original fans are now in their later years. I guess when I'm 60 and am flying my spaceship around town blasting Slayer, kids will look at me funny.

Pet Peeve #6341 Shrimp Tails

2009-02-23T20:07:00.000-05:00

I love shrimp. One of my favorite foods. Something that drives me nuts is when I order a dish that has shrimp in it, and the tails are not cut off. Don't be mistaken, I do mean the shell around the tail. not the tail itself. Part of what I'm paying for at a restaurant is for them to remove the shell.That's like ordering chicken nuggets, but with some bone in them. When nuggets are ordered, part of the appeal is knowing you can just eat them without worry of protruding objects sticking out of them. I'm one of the informed few that knows there is meat under that shell. Why should I have to get sauce all over my fingers to get all the juicy goodness out? The only exception is shrimp cocktail. There is no sauce involved and the shrimp is meant to be eaten with the hands. You're probably wondering "what about fried shrimp?" Who cares about fried shrimp? That's so 1996.

On Screen

2009-02-10T19:47:00.000-05:00

I've recently had an influx of people telling me that I should have my own reality show, or that I should be in a movie. While I don't disagree, becoming a television or movie star isn't the easiest career to start. There aren't a lot of job postings on craigslist for future stars. There are a few, but most of them require some sort of nudity, or the featured person has to be fluent in Mandarin. Some day it'll happen. In the meantime, I really do enjoy using the word "influx".

Tired No Matter What

2009-02-07T17:49:00.000-05:00

It really annoys me that when I over sleep, I become even more tired. If I don't sleep enough, I am tired as well. It's a no win situation, and that's not fair. Apparently the gods of sleep designated a small time frame to the body for total sleep satisfaction. That just isn't realistic. I should write a letter or something.

Welcome

2009-02-06T22:50:00.001-05:00

Welcome to my blog. Hang up your coat, sit back, and let me take you inside the mind of Mark. It's gonna be a trip.