Unfortunate

"This fortune cookie is delicious" - No one

Toast Roast

Toast is absolutely the most lazily named food on earth. It's a good thing the guy or girl who named it wasn't trying to cook the bread in a convection oven, or we'd have a whole other set of problems...I'm giving a little bit of leeway to oranges, but don't think I didn't notice that they are simply named after their color. On second thought, maybe the color was named after the fruit. Actually, I don't really even care.

Guarded

I'm thinking of getting a lifeguard chair for my bedroom. I feel like I could accomplish a lot more if I was seated several feet off the ground.

Involuntary Employment

I've noticed that an increasing number of stores now have "Self Checkout" registers. I always thought that part of the reason people go to stores is to have other people help with the little things. It's nice to know that when I need to buy a can of clam chowder at 2:00 in the morning, part of the shopping experience will include actually working at the store. To be fair, I do enjoy waiting for 20 minutes as the elderly person in front of me is forced to use technology for the first time since the Eisenhower administration.

If I have to scan and bag my own groceries, it seems only fair that I be granted access to the break room. If it's possible, I'd also like a name tag. If I'm gonna be working in your store, we might as well be on a first name basis.

The Future of Metal

I've been an avid fan of heavy metal for a long time now. Every few years the pendulum swings and new trends arise. That got me thinking, what's next? Here are some possibilities...

The phantom band - Anyone that's ever been to a concert knows the best part is between bands when the changeover occurs. Imagine how great it would be to go to a show that consists of two hours of just mic checks, guitar tunings, and "Enter Sandman" playing over the venue P.A. the entire time! No band, no band performance. Just crew. The hipsters would probably get into it.

Just screaming - Who needs music? It's so overrated. Imagine a one man band that consists of just a guy screaming. Actual lyrics, optional.

Only breakdowns - Chugga-chugga guitars with a slowed down drum beat, for a whole album. Nothing else. No vocals, no chorus, no solos. Breakdowns followed by breakdowns.

Intro mania - Who doesn't love it when a song starts with an obscure movie quote? I know I do, so let's cut out the middle man. I'd like a band that releases albums of just weird movie monologues.

Gang vocals to the max - A lot of tough guy hardcore bands out there feature songs that include passages sung by multiple dudes at the same time. "Hey! "Hey!" is a popular lyric of choice. Why not just keep your bros' around for a whole album? When it comes to vocals, the more the merrier!

Everyone together now - Enough of this one band at a time thing. I want to go to shows where all the bands share the stage at the same time. I don't mean they all play one song together, I mean they all play their own songs, but at the same time. There would be no such thing as opening bands and support bands. Everyone would be the same. Heavy metal communism!

Canned Folder

I wonder if the people that work for the Spam company have Spam folders in their email accounts. It seems like all of their folders would be Spam folders. Actually, I wonder if they have any folders email that aren't Spam folders. Do those people get offended that people consider emails that they don't want to be Spam? I've never had Spam before. Maybe I should change the name of my Spam folder to Olive mail. Olives are gross.

I Duh Know

The expressions "duh" and "no duh" both mean the same thing. That seems kind of confusing. It would be like ordering a sandwich with no tomatoes, with the intention of getting tomatoes added to your sandwich. On another note, I think I just became the first person to say "duh" and "no duh" since 1994.